Spoiler Alert: There Is No Such Thing as Work-Life Balance

“I really see this as an opportunity to have better work-life balance.”

I’ve heard this more times than I can count from newly initiated home officers. My usual response is to smile and nod. No need to rain on anyone’s parade. But it’s a topic that unfailingly pops up within a few months – sometimes within a few weeks.

“Why does it feel like I’m working even more?”

Here’s the thing.  While many companies claim to value the importance of work-life balance for their employees, the reality is that no one seems to have a solid definition of what that means. That’s one of the most difficult things for a working parent – especially a work-from-home parent – to discover: the fallacy of work-life balance.

Small Business Trends put out a nifty infographic that breaks it all down, and one little nugget that stood out to me like a neon sign was that out of the 38 countries studied, the U.S. ranked 30^th in work-life balance.[1] (The Netherlands ranked #1, by the way.) Now, it’s one thing to look at data and statistics and see a story come together - which is what I spend many of my waking hours doing for my day job – but it’s another thing to get the day-to-day stories from the individuals who are living the imbalance.

One thread that is consistent through a lot of the research and the individual stories, is the perception that work-life balance ends up being defined in some iteration as a person spending 50% of their time doing home activities and 50% of their time doing work activities. Well, that’s just plain silly, if we’re honest with ourselves. The concept of balance, itself, is challenging, because we’re trying to find some kind of equality that can be measured. The most obvious measurement at our disposal is time. However, in my experience, life rarely lays itself out in nice, neat, consistent increments of time. If we have one day that runs “like clockwork,” we joke that we better go buy a lottery ticket because it’s our lucky day!

Work-Life Integration: Harmonizing the Love-To’s with the Have-To’s

One concept I have embraced wholeheartedly is that of embracing work-life integration. There is no hard, separating line between time at home and time at work. My job is not a factory or an assembly line. There is no quota of widgets I must assemble before the end of my shift. Technology has put an end to “my time” vs. “company time.” We carry our work responsibilities in the palm of our hand. “On the clock,” is a fluid concept, and as a result, our concept of balance must become fluid as well.

A piece of advice that I love is to manage your attention, not necessarily your time. ‘Cause let’s face it – every aspect of our lives has some level of have-to’s, whether with family, friends, work or for yourself:

•         Doing dishes
•         Folding laundry
•         Cleaning toilets
•         Putting ink in the printer
•         Covering someone’s meeting
•         Having the tough conversation with the employee, co-worker, or boss or customer
•         Scheduling lunch with that acquaintance, relative, co-worker, family that sucks the         life out of you
•         Going to get my mammogram

But all aspects of our lives also have a level of love-to’s:

•         Sleeping in
•         Taking my kids to the beach
•         Planning my new veggie garden
•         Enjoying a good, strong cup of black tea (preferably Assam)
•         Having a date night at the new restaurant I’ve been dying to try
•         Finally getting the thumbs-up on that one project
•         Glowing with pride when my team is recognized for a client’s success
•         Being invited to be the keynote at THAT event

By managing appropriate attention on the have-to’s and the love-to’s, we can appreciate a level of satisfaction, even achievement and enjoyment, that also comes with every (or almost every) task. 

Example:

I like how the kitchen looks when the dishes are done and the counters are cleared.

I appreciate that the elephant is no longer in the room regarding the employee’s departure.

None of these fit in a nice, neat box of time or energy. And they typically don’t fit easily into a daily schedule. That’s ok. There is no balance. There is integration, and that allows for the fluidity to harmonize the symphony of have-to’s, love-to’s, need-to’s, and want-to’s.

Identifying the Work-Life Continuum

No two lives are the same, so the elements of your work-life continuum may look different from mine, but I like to identify the realms of my life that deserve to be elevated and integrated. For me, those are: Family, Work, Friends, Self. It’s a noble and worthy goal to aim for achievement and enjoyment in these realms on a regular basis.

But, guess what. It might not be possible to allot attention to each of those realms every single day. We must be realistic about our time frames and allow the notion of daily schedules to relax a little it. Laura Vanderkam, one of my favorite experts on time management and productivity, blew my mind with the simple strategy of looking at time in terms of 168 hour blocks (1 week), not 24 hour blocks (1 day).

Boom, goes the dynamite!

The example I cling to is that of exercising 4 days a week. In her book, Laura points out that if we hold on to the notion of a 5 a.m. workout - and I am not a morning person - and I am trying to hold myself accountable to that schedule 4 times in one week, I am setting myself up for failure. But what if I wake up early on Monday and do a workout at 6 a.m., and then I do a lunchtime yoga class on Wednesday, I go for a 2-mile walk after work with my daughters on Thursday, and we go for a family hike on Saturday – voila! There is my 4-day-a-week workout!

Be the Change You Want to See in Your Schedule

Before I had my first daughter, I worked long hours, I volunteered for every committee, every project, and every conference or work trip I could get my hands on. I loved it, and my zest for work was limitless. Then I had my baby, and as much as I wanted to work longer hours or go on those work trips, the reality was that I wasn’t as willing or able to put in 60+ hours a week or be away from home. 

Now that my kids are older (and I guess I’m a little older, too), the glamour of work travel or having my name on dozens of committees doesn’t have the luster it once had. My goals are narrower and more focused on balancing the needs of my family, my friends, and my workplace. I’m less inclined to travel every single month. I’m not as active in professional associations as I once was. I still work hard, and I’m probably more meticulous on the projects I tackle. Quality has taken precedence over quantity. That’s where I am today. Next year or five years from now will probably be totally different, and that’s to be expected. Ten years from now, we’ll probably be empty-nesters, and that will be a whole new thing. You'll probably find me in All of the Professional Associations!

All that to say, whatever is important to you today is important. It may look different next year or even next quarter. That’s called “life.” But you can’t sit back and wait for your co-workers, your boss, or your family to take a look at you and say, “Hey, it looks like we should rearrange some things for you right now. Your life appears to be wildly out of balance.”

Know that it’s ok to admit that there are current realities about your situation that may be influencing you to shift your priorities. That shift may impact how much time or effort you allocate to Family, Work, Friends, and Self. Also, recognize that your current reality will change soon enough, and a new shift in priorities will occur. Allow yourself to request adjustments or changes in your responsibilities or participation. And above all, communicate, communicate, communicate. Your peers or supervisor may have a great solution or idea to help address your priorities.

3 Things You Can Do

Working from home, remote work, tele-commuting, whatever you like to call it, has a lot of benefits, but the challenge of work-life balance can sometimes make the most independent home officer crumble. Here are the 3 things you can do:

1)    Recognize the have-to’s and love-to’s

There are things we have to do in all aspects of our life that we don’t necessarily enjoy, and there are also things we absolutely love that we don’t always have time for. Identify what those things are and make an effort to incorporate love-to’s into your weekly routine to balance out those have-to's

2)    Identify your realms

Each of us has areas of life that we really care about. Know what those areas are and be intentional about devoting some amount of time to them throughout the week. Those areas for me are: Family, Work, Friends, Self.

3)    Initiate change

The professional association commitment is too much? Start to taper it a bit, or let the group know you’re taking a break to focus on some other matters. Or maybe you’re ready for a larger commitment to the association and all the networking that entails. Let it be known. Take the step that will help you feel a little more in control of your destiny.

No, Virginia. There is no work-life balance, but that doesn't mean all is lost. Seek balance in what you love to do and what you have to do, and know that things are pretty darn good.