5 Steps to Being a Carpool Queen

There's a bus to the elementary school, but not to the middle school. This had been my most terrifying realization over the course of the summer.

I was in desperate need of finding a carpool. It was the only way to survive, as far as I could tell.

However, all of the carpools I knew of in our neighborhood were already full, or schedules were different, or neighbors had forgone the 3rd row seat when they bought the new car. In any case, desperate times call for desperate measures, so after hauling the middle-schooler the 40-minute, 1.5 miles to and fro for the first week, I got creative. And brave. 

I remembered my daughter's classmate from last year who had rode the elementary-bound bus, searched piles of not-yet-filed/purged paperwork, and cold-texted the boy's mom with this slightly stalker-ish text message:

"Hi K---. This is Jen, E--'s mom. She was in M--'s class last year and they took the bus together. Would you be interested in carpooling to the middle school this year? We're looking for another family or 2 to alternate weeks with. Thanks,"

Within an hour...

"Oh that would be great!"

We're so often all in the same parenting boat, and yet we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all on our own. To power through and just get 'er done. At least, I know I feel that way. But one thing I've been learning over and over again these past few years is that when I reach out to other parents and ask for specific help for a specific situation, they not only are happy to help if they are available, but they now have permission to ask me for help. It breaks the seal, so to speak.

During our September Home Officer Network Lunch, one mom asked how to find or start a carpool. The ensuing conversation produced some great insights and guidelines to help you claim the crown of Carpool Queen.

1. Establish the schedule and stick to it

It’s so much easier to know what you’re personally responsible for and to make it a part of your routine if the schedule gets defined up front. It’s also comforting to be confident that the other parents are committed to their dates and times, too. If certain schedules are going to be consistent challenges, speak up and try to establish a trade, adjustment, or solution.

2. Be reliable

As much as we’d like to say this goes without saying, we’ve found it actually does need to be said. If the designated pick up time is 7:40, aim to be there at 7:35. Yes, people notice if you’re consistently late.

3. If you can make it work, just say yes

Parents get in a bind for a variety of reasons, so if it’s someone else’s day and they send up an emergency request for someone else to cover their shift, jump in. And then know that when you’re the one who needs some help, that parent will be happy to jump in and reciprocate.

4. Give advanced notice and alternatives whenever possible

Work travel, dentist appointments, and family obligations are often on the calendar ahead of time. Once you know you’ll need coverage from another parent in the group, reach out one on one to find a sub and then announce the situation and solution to the group as soon as possible.

5. Remember that at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own child

As inconvenient as it is, there will be days where a last minute wrench is thrown in the works, and you’ll find out your child won’t have a ride from the usual parent that day. Let cool heads prevail, and be thankful that the vast majority of the time this carpool situation is actually really great. 

And that question of how to find or start a carpool? The group had several suggestions:

- Hunt down the parents of your child's former or current classmates (my current methodology)

- For extracurricular activities, ask the coach, director, teacher if they know of other families who are interested in carpooling. In one mom's case, the director connected her immediately with a mom who she knew lived on the same side of town!

- If your child's team or organization uses an online message board, post a message there.

- Post a message on your neighborhood blog, such as Nextdoor. Of course, meet any interested parties first, meet their kids, and confirm that they are indeed a part of whatever activity / school / organization you're trying to arrange transportation for. 

The sidelines of games or audiences of performances are great opportunities to get to know the parents of your kids' peers. Step out of your comfort zone and connect with those parents. Over time, familiarity and comfort levels increase, and barriers come down. It's ok and normal to be vulnerable and ask for help. 

Remember, in that ask, you're also offering help in return.