Don't Like Your Child's Tone? Maybe It's Time to Change Your Own

I heard it on a John Maxwell podcast on "Communication," and the words have been repeating again and again every time I see one of my kids. 

Talk to me as though I have a "10" on my head. 

The point Mr. Maxwell was making is that whenever you talk to a person, they know how important they are or how you feel about them by the tone of your voice. If we talk to someone as though they are "10," they understand they are incredibly important and valued, and then they respond as a "10." If we talk to someone as a "1," they understand they are the last person on earth we want to interact with, and they respond with that rejection, defensiveness, hurt, or anger. And there's an entire spectrum in between. 

This struck me at my core because I thought of how often my kids run into my home office with a question, a story, a request, a problem... and I meet them as though they are a mere "5." I know I have to tolerate their presence because I am their mother, but I might be in the middle of something. In those moments, far too often, I send the message very clearly that I am bothered and not thrilled to see them. 

How fun is that? 

No fun at all. 

I don't want my kids to ever believe they are just people to be tolerated. They are THE most valuable beings in my world. And it's on me to communicate that fact in every interaction, not just when I feel like it. 

The other thing that I've had to be honest about is that there are times I really dislike the tone they use for their siblings. And sometimes the tone they use with me! But where did they learn it? Why do they think it's ok to speak to family members as though they are a mere "5?" Or a (gasp!) "3?" Well, all signs point to learning it from me. 

I am reminded of the book, "To Kill a Mockingbird," and how Scout and Jem always felt free to interrupt their father, Atticus Finch, when they had an important question. He always made a point to patiently listen and provide an answer. Granted, this is a work of fiction, but I was always impressed by his commitment to being available to his kids, no matter how inconvenient. 

So, over the past couple of weeks, every time one of my girls interrupts me, or bursts into my home office, or catches me at a less than convenient time... I envision a crown on their heads with the number "10" encrusted in diamonds, and you know something? It's made a difference. It's not perfect, but I'm being more mindful. And that is success in my book.

I'd love to hear from you: How do you signal to your kids how important they are, especially in those less than convenient moments?

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